THE FATHER WHO SHAPED MY STRENGTH

WHEN LOVE WAS RARE BUT STILL REAL

He may not have been like other fathers who devote everything to their families. He was strict and his children feared him even over the smallest mistakes. My late mother had to endure both financial hardship and the pain of raising all seven of their children. We, as his children, did not depend on him financially and this taught us that our mother was everything to us.

Even though there are not many good things I can say about him, I sometimes recall moments from my childhood. Life had its ups and downs, but the fond memories I shared with him are still worth remembering. As I often remind myself, no matter how flawed he was, he was still my father - my only father. Besides, I have long made peace with this reality.

As the second child out of seven, I knew I could not expect much attention from him. Therefore, my siblings and I rarely communicated with him unless it was necessary. Because he was a strict parent, we did not feel comfortable sharing our daily lives or our thoughts with him. In hindsight, however, I realise that all his children grew up disciplined, well-behaved and ultimately successful.

A portrait of my late father, 1990 — the man behind my story

REMEMBERING MY FATHER IN SILENCE

During the final school break in December 2011, I went back to my hometown to spend some time with my parents. My father was very ill at that time. There was little we could do, as he had to undergo dialysis three times a week. Whenever he refused treatment, he grew even weaker. I remember that on one of those days, he said softly to me, “I cannot go on anymore.”

When the school break was over, I returned to Sabah to begin the new academic year. Sadly, on 16 January 2012, I received a call from my younger sister. She told me that our father had passed away. He was then 75 years old. We honoured his wish to be cremated.

There was not much sadness at the funeral, yet I found myself quietly reflecting. It was not his words that touched my heart, but his actions. Memories of my childhood and the way I was brought up kept resurfacing and I realised that deep inside, he wanted the best for all his children. Perhaps he was simply helpless and did not know how to express his love in a way that we could feel.

MEMORIES THAT STILL WARM MY HEART

I remember that when I was in Primary Two, I did well in my final examinations. He bought me a watch - my very first one which I proudly wore to school every day. From then on, I always wore a watch whenever I was at school, because it taught me that time was precious.

I also remember how he bought us a bicycle. From a four-wheeled one to a two-wheeled bicycle, I learned to ride them both and since then, cycling has brought me great joy. I even challenged myself to ride a bigger bicycle - the one with a straight bar connecting the handle to the seat. As I was not tall enough at that time, I had to swing my right leg over the bar to reach the pedal. I fell a few times, but I loved the feeling of overcoming that challenge.

I also vividly remember how he used to take me pillion on his motorcycle to school. It became a routine for quite some time, although I did not enjoy it much because the mornings were cold and I had no jacket. Before going to school, however, he would take me to his favourite coffee shop, where he ordered kaya butter toast and teh tarik. I loved those breakfasts, though I often worried about being late for school because he always took his time enjoying them.

During fruit season, we were always happy because we knew he would bring home different kinds of fruit for us to share. We enjoyed simple fruits such as rambutan, mangosteen, langsat and durian. The fondest memory was all of us squatting together in front of him while waiting for him to open the durian. It was truly a moment of joy.

THE QUIET LEGACY HE LEFT US

How would I describe him when he was alive? To me, he was a smart man. He must have been very good at mathematics because I often saw him doing rapid calculations on an abacus. He was also excellent with directions. When I was offered a place to study in Kuala Lumpur, he did not hesitate to drive me there. In those days, there was no GPS to guide us, so he must have been very skilled at navigating the busy city roads.

It would be unfair to think that his lack of formal education made him less wise. In fact, he foresaw the importance of the English language back in the 1970s and decided to send his first three children to a missionary school. His inability to read business letters in English and Bahasa Melayu made him realise his own limitations and he wanted his children to do better than he did. Later, in the 1980s, he also recognised the growing importance of the Chinese language and sent his remaining four children to Chinese-medium schools.

He went even further to ensure that all his children, whether academically strong or not, would have a better future. Those who did well continued their studies, while those who struggled were sent to learn a trade through apprenticeships in workshops. Although he did not always support us financially because of his gambling habit, we, his children, survived and grew strong through the hardships of life.

CONCLUSION : THE LONG ROAD TO GRATITUDE

In reality, none of us are perfect. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. As I grew older and wiser, I learned to accept his shortcomings. There is no point in expecting what was never meant to be. In the end, nothing truly negative came from the situation.

I guess that was how God arranged our lives. Those difficulties taught all of us to be strong, resilient and determined to improve ourselves. In fact, when I was young, I vowed that I would never beg for a better life, instead I would work my way toward it.

It has been 14 years since his passing, but today, 16 January 2026, I wish to express my heartfelt thanks and gratitude for the many fond memories he gave us - memories that linger dearly in my heart to this day.

May you rest in peace, Pa.